That's how I feel lately and I hate it. The last few days my new healthy lifestyle has gone out the window, and right now I feel like crying. Visiting my sister yesterday was a travelling nightmare and I don't feel up to it again, but then I have an overwhelming sense of guilt, that I'm leaving her alone, even thought I know she is in the best possible place. It took over two hours to get to her, and I didn't think to take a lunch, by the time I got home it was nearly 8pm so we ordered pizza. I should get back on the healthy thing again today, go for a walk, maybe take some photos, but again there is the guilt that I can carry on with my life whilst my sister can't.

The doctors and everyone have my mobile number for emergencies. I didn't give them my home number, habit I guess, but I switch my mobile off at night, so if anything had happened to her last night I would not have known. Dammit, there would have been no way for me to get to her anyway. They screwed up the section papers so at the moment she could just walk out. I asked the nurse not to tell her this because she does want to run, but the nurse said 'oh we will tell her but we are redoing the paperwork'. I know she couldn't get out as all the main doors have locks on, but her window opens very far - I'm not sure she'd consider climbing out. She feels trapped and I can understand why. She kept ansking me to bring her home, but I can't. She won't acknowledge anything is wrong. I just want my beautiful baby sister to come back to how she used to be.

I'm worried about next week, I can't support mum coz I'll be back to work, I'll have to work some shorter days so I can go and visit my sis, but I've not been there long and I really don't wanna start getting a reputation. My boss did understand before and was sympathetic but I hate showing weakness, i hate being out of control. I feel worse than useless and all I can do is cry for her, cry for me, and cry for my mum.

Maybe I should get in touch with someone like Mind, I know there is support out there, but its again reaching out, showing the world my weaknesses, and giving up control. All the health care professionals are confident she will come through this, I try to believe but its so hard. So hard to believe. What if she's like this now, for always? I'm so scared. I feel like I've failed to protect her in some way, i feel bad for not having spent enough time with her, for not asking to meet this boyfriend, for not knowing whats happening in her head and for not being able to make things right again.

Sometimes I just want to slap her, say pull yourself together, cry at her, shout at her, drag out whatevers in her mind so she gets better, but I have to stay calm and hold it together. So instead I cry alone, or at home. I feel so alone, god only knows how alone she must feel.

bugger.