happy as i am

...Strangely not all in a bad way. This feels weird as I haven't been here for so long. I've been keeping an off line journal instead. I'm on my 7 day break from the pill and I don't know if this is the cause but I'm all over the place, happy then tearful, needy then bubbly. So far I've been fine at work, lets hope I'm over this blip before Monday morning. I don't think there is enough chocolate in the world right now to keep me bouncing.

This new job is going quite well so far, loving the hours, the job and the people but I really wanted to make friends from my age group/mindset so I had people I could socialise with outta work. We went bowling yesterday night which was good fun despite being so tempted to stay at home. My dilemma is that I have gotten so outta the groove of socialising that now I am rubbish at it. (Or is it that my self esteem is so low?). Or at least it takes me an age to relax without alcohol. My body won't even let me get wasted. Take last night, I had my free glass of wine and then bought a pint of coke!!! When I got my second glass I felt a bit queasy and couldn't finish it.

Anywayz, so I tried (maybe not hard enough) to fit in, made and effort to speak to people I don't normally, but couldn't really relax. The first game was fun but then I got bored and as I got bored I got more and more insular and introspective. I went to the pub afterwards, hoping to get another drink and relax, but found that by 10.30 I was yawning every 5 minutes, and I didn't think I could stomach anything else to drink. I felt so old and outta place.

I was looking forward to working close to home, to having local drinking buddies, but I can't compete or even stay out like I wanted. So, whats the point in that? I felt younger and freer for a bit, and managed to relax for 10 minutes here and there, but it must've been blatantly obvious how uncomfortable I was. 3 people asked me if I'd had a good time as I left and it felt like they were pitying me, although they were probably just being friendly and I'm being paranoid. I've also realised I've developled a crush on one of the lads I work with. It's not something that would ever go further, but sitting in the cab home I did think about hinting to him, I think I just find it hard to be friends with good looking men. He's not even that good looking but he makes me laugh.

Building work is a third complete. I look forward to having my home back. I think that has also left me feeling unsettled and vulnerable. I mean, we're sleeping on the futon in the front room, although I'm on a good wage and paying my way now I think its unsettled me, made me think of the years in dodgy bedsits and studio flats, and I feel like I'm regressing. Just as I'm finding out and coming to terms with who I am as a married person and as an individual it feels like a massive step backwards.

Dammnit!

Take care y'all

x

Today at work I had a moment. A big bad miserable self-pitying moment. After lunch I felt really low. I wanted to blog, but of course, no net access at work so I couldn't.

Anyway, my moment went away, so I guess I just need to remember when I feel down that it is only a tiny MOMENT in time and not a life changing issue. And then move on. What was freaky was when my boss took me aside today, to have a little chat, as she'd 'heard' that I was really unhappy in my department and wanted to be in another bit of the business. I don't know where that came from but I nearly broke down into tears as I thought she was gonna make me move and I deffo do NOT wish to move from where I am. I'm keen to move around the business later on (when I've done at least 6 months although i have to do 18 on my department before I can move) and that's if I don't just take the other route, the baby route first. But other than that I was confused.

Now I'm trying to work out who said I wanted to be elsewhere, what I can possibly have said to give anyone that impression and who would be evil enough to say something so untrue to my boss. Feels a bit like I've been stabbed in the back.

Well, anyway, other than that life be grand.

Happy
x

*Your Five Variable Love Profile*

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is high.
It's your way or the highway when it comes to love.
You like to be very involved in your sweetie's life.
No question, you like to be the one calling the shots.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test
http://www.blogthings.com/thefivevariablelovetest/

La_spice.... I'll have my revenge on you yet!

a. list seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself
b. tag seven people to do the same
c. do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag “whoever wants to do it”

I worry too much.
I am far too lazy.
I'm going to see Iron Maiden in concert this year.
I am married to the first and only man I've slept with...
I love my husband as much now as when we got married.
I hate my surname coz its common.
I love NCIS but hate CSI.

So, I tag you...Amanda 32, Flojo66, Usksider, Prydwen, Mkfunky, Lindow and Thespian

1) Blue Peter or Magpie?
What on earth was Magpie? Does that answer your question...

2) What was your favourite comic?
I read the Beano and Dandy as my friend used to collect them.

3) What was your favourite sweet of all time?
Too much to choose from (cola cubes, pineapple squares, sherbert pips, pear drops)anything that you could buy by the ounce.

4) Ever set light to something with a magnifying glass?
Hell Yeh, ants by the score, a few black bag scraps, my plimsoll. I was a right tomboy!

5) How did you cover your school books?
Cover them? What? With grafitti and names of my friends and lads we fancied mostly.

6) Favourite lesson?
PE I think. school was all good but no real favourites.

7) Were you ever a monitor, prefect, headboy/girl?
We didn't have them at my schools THANK GOD.

8) Ever represented your school at sports?
Yes. In Yr 9 I played at a schools tennis tournament at the NIA in Birmingham.

9) Ever played an Instrument?
I played a few and bummed out in all. Violin (hated it) Piano (mums choice) and the Bassoon but it was a borrowed one from the school and the reeds cost a fortune when I bit through them! Oh, and recorder at Infants.

10) What did you play in the Nativity?
I played Mary at infant school.

Sweet old days hey!
x

1) Hardback or Paperback?
Paperback - have you tried carrying a hardback around with you every day (I'd need an even bigger bag!) or reading a hardback in bed?

2) Amazon account or Library card?
Library - currently on a money saving kick and we don't have space for more books.

3) Fact or Fiction?
Always Fiction. I read for escape.

4) JK Rowling or Phillip Pullman?
Not read either but would probably say Pullman rather than Ms Publicity. (jealous? me? No!)

5) Humour or Horror?
Depends on my mood and attention span.

6) Jules Verne or Arthur C Clark?
Jules Verne - I remember reading Journey to the centre of the earth when I was a kid and thinking it was a plausible journey!

7) Lord of the Rings or Lion Witch and the Wardrobe?
LOTR when I have a month to spare. Isnt LWW more of a kiddy thing?

8) Book you love to read again and again?
Anything by Matthew Reilly. Awseome.

9) Book that you think was overrated?
The Da Vinci Code Dan Brown I agree with Prydwen!

10)Oldest book you own?
Some of my books from childhood are in my loft for when we have kids. That'd make em about 25 yrs old.

I think I jinxed myself with yesterdays' post. Today has basically been a 'non' day. One of those days where I just wanna crawl away and hide, but I know I can't hide from myself. I tried though, stayed in bed until nearly 10am. I've logged on about 5 times today, to blog my cares away, but each time I've stopped myself or deleted before posting. Blogging right now doesn't seem quite as therapeutic as it once did. It's almost become a chore even though it once felt so right. Maybe this is my time to take a hiatus from blogland and see how I cope without you all holding my hands and supporting me. We'll see.

I was being truthful when I said that everything is going well at work, as well as can be expected for someone starting in a totally new business can be expected. I just feel unsettled. In truth I don't know what I want anymore. I think I wind myself up more than I should. No, I know this is true. I don't wanna go back to work. I can't deal with being less than competent. I hate it. I can't cope with being new. I know this is silly, but it just, see, I can't even get the words out to competently explain. It's just a cloud hanging over me.

I wish things didn't change, but at the same time I know its unrealistic. My house is part of the problem. No matter how much work we do it just seems to need more time and money thrown at it. The damp has visibly spread into an area not covered by our quote. We can't afford to do the whole house at once, but I just want it finished.

Me, me me. God. How damn selfish am I? My poor hubby gets stuck listening to the same shit on a different day. I love him so much.

I don't know what's wrong. I just don't know. Life has been good of late, maybe I've come to expect too much? Mayhaps I just need a slap?

Maybe I should just watch a soppy/sad film so I can get on and let my tears out in one big go. I am so mixed up. Why can't I just be happy with things as they are?

I know that you will all be lovely and loving, as you are, and I thank you for your support and love over the last 9 months. Maybe I'll find my mojo tomorrow and delete this post. Maybe I'll take a break from the laptop. Either way, if I'm not back (very unlikely) I wish you all well in all you do.

Happy
x

Everything in my world right now seems to be running smoothly. I haven't felt like I've had much to say lately, but I have been keeping on top of all of you's blogs.

I've been out for lunch today with a good friend and both our men, we had such a laugh, I must remember to keep pencilling in social time. What I've realised (again, I know ) is that it is too easy to get caught up in the small stuff and forget friends and family. I must make time to see friends often. I must.

Work is alright. Not the most fun but we've managed to get out early a coupla times last week which was lovely. The bestest thing was getting out at 5pm on Friday and it still being daylight. Just! Although, I did have a lovely walk along the beach front at lunchtime Friday. I didn't have a coat on, and I soaked up plenty of sunlight.

Big hugs to all my friends in Blogland.

Happy
x